Mona Lisa Abbott's FuNnIeS!

This Page dedicated to Maxine, the cutest & stupidist  dog we ever had, though her typing skills were amazing...
 

DOCTORS' NOTES ON PATIENT'S CHARTS:

On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 lb weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. Since
she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work
her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

Patient was seen by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and
I agree.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
 
 

ALL JOKES ON THIS PAGE HAVE BEEN SENT TO ME BY MY FRIENDS,
AND I HOPE YOU THINK THEY ARE AS FUNNY AS I DO.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

ADVICE, MOTHER TO DAUGHTERS - (via Emily Renfroe)
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON
TO YOUR DAUGHTERS:
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means
that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

READ ON

These were found on Ladies' Bumper Stickers:

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH
PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

And my favorite......

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
 

THIS PAGE WAS UPDATED AT 10:52 PM ON Feb.14. 2003

From George O'lary via Bill's Punchline 2/19/00

These are supposed to be actual news that made it
into one sort of print or another. Don't have the
sources, sorry. Enjoy:

-- "The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will
be $3 and for pets owned by senior citizens who have not
been altered the fee will be $1.50."

-- "The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa
Barbara Avenue as the dead man was crossing the
intersection."

--"Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and
lectured on "Destructive Pests". A large number were
present."

--"The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but
City officials are holding their breath until it is
officially finished."

--"The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan
to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the
Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump."

THESE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES?

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

>War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

=======BPL=======

From: Taylor Browning 

A certain elementary school got a new teacher. This new teacher was an
atheist and proud of it. In fact, he was always talking about it, and
since the kids were fairly young, he intimidated them.
One day he boldly announced, "My mother was an atheist, my father was an
atheist and I'm an atheist. How many in this room are atheist?"

The kids, being a little scared of him, all raised their hands; all
except for one little girl. So then he asked her, "Well, what are you
then?" She said, "I'm a Christian. My mother was a Christian, my father
was a Christian and I'm a Christian too."
He then sarcastically snarled, "If your mother was a moron and your
father was a moron, what would that make you?" She thought for a moment
and meekly replied, "I guess that would make me an atheist."

From the Humor List via Art and Jean Abbott 2/18/00
================================================================ T H E H U M O R L I S T ================================================================
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal." Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.

"Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

Courtesy of April Petty:
Subject: Fwd: Deep Thoughts
Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2000 00:11:52 GMT

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
 
 

 ================================================================
ThE HuMoR LiSt
================================================================

Courtesy of Art and Jean Abbott (1/26/00) Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second."
"That's awful," says the first man.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But, eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpected- ly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

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T.Apple Membership (Without Pix) | T.Apple Membership with Pix | E-mail Mona

El Zorro Got adopted to a good family with a big yard!
We miss you El!

I can't define wisdom
but I think it means being able to laugh at the
things which once broke your heart. 

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